I hope mine doesn't look like that
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
