he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
