My friends, they love my intelligence
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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