Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
