I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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