So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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