Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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