your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
