If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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