nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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