i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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