i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
