why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
