there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
and you fell through a lawn chair
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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