I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
