How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
