You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
