yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
