I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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