the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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