when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
