Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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