Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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