Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
