Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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