dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
