I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
