I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
