why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
