Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
did you just send me my own nude
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