The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
