wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
