Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize