Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
