Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
