It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
