I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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