Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
