My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I touched a dick in church today
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
