On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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