so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
