I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
