They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
