i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
