Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
