I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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