His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize