did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize