By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize