I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
