Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
