I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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