i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
