okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
