I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
