got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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