Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
