You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
