a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
