mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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